he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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