so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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