if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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