just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
