My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
