Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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