dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
