I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
