We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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