God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
