Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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