I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We have started to decorate penises.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
