I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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