the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
