hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He passed out mid-signature
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
