Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
