just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
