I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
