Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
