just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
