I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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