I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
