The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
