2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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