Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
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You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.