So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.