So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
