toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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