fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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