Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
