so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
