I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
