Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
