Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
