I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
