I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I smell like Dick and happiness
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