So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
