tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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