Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
