He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
