Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
