alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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