I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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