Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
