Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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