I swear she didn't look like that last week.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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