just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
