once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
