Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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