Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
