Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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