just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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