How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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