the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
