I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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