Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
