They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
