I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
