My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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