My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
