The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
